


If Only

by reyloftw



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst, F/M, Force Bond, Holiday Blues, Life Day Celebration at Poe & Finn’s, Life day, Pining, Sadness, based off of my life, force connection, idk - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-25
Updated: 2017-12-25
Packaged: 2019-02-20 04:57:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 848
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13139538
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/reyloftw/pseuds/reyloftw
Summary: Rey is longing for anything. A push, a nudge, a word, anything from Ben Solo. Especially this time of year.





	If Only

Rey watches the lights outside the house twinkle in the darkness as the planet’s snowfall casts a white blanket over every surface outside. She heaves a sigh, grateful to be indoors near the fireplace where there’s so much warmth. Finn and Poe had invited her over to their annual Life Day party, and while all their Resistance friends were busy getting drunk off of Finn’s eggnog and chattering excitedly with one another, all she could think about was _him_.

 _Oh, kriff_. Why was it so hard to forget what happened? The war had ended long ago. The First Order and the Resistance had signed a peace treaty and had come to as many agreements and compromises as they could. But there was still no sign of him. He had been exiled from the Order after General Hux had discovered the truth about what happened to Snoke. He hadn’t been heard from by anyone. The Resistance has tried to contact him multiple times, wanting to commend him for his brave actions against Snoke, but to no avail. Just before Leia had died, her last request was that the Resistance not stop trying to bring her son back.

A bittersweet feeling fell over her at the thought of Leia. She reached out and brushed against the bond. She could still feel his energy, a welcome reassurance that he was still alive. But he had shut her out, and had been doing so for years. _Please, Ben, if you can hear me, just let me in._ She waits tentatively for a few moments before returning to reality, keeping the bond open just enough to be able to feel if he came back.

She had wished for a while that she could just forget that night on Ahch-To where they touched hands. She had seen the future so clearly, it was so evident that they would end their journey together. But the war had finished and they were still apart. She no longer wished to be rid of the memory, but rather held onto it with hope and conviction that maybe one day it would be true.

 _Holding on gets hard this time of year_ , she thinks to herself. She glances over her shoulder at Finn and Poe, looking absolutely ridiculous in their matching sweaters, arms around one another and smiles lighting up both of their faces. She looks to Snap, Jessika, Connix, and Rose, and they all look the same- content, happy, and free. She wanted to do her best to join that feeling, to be content with the people in her life, but it seemed nearly impossible when half of her was missing.

She takes a sip of the eggnog, tasting the sick sweetness of the alcohol crudely mixed in, but still enjoying the smooth feeling as it goes down. She returns her gaze to the window, picturing the only person she wants to see hurrying up to the door in the glinting light of the decorations. If only. He’d run up to knock on the door, but she would beat him to it as she swung the door open. They’d look in each other’s eyes. The bond would swell with emotion and they’d both feel the intensity of it, pulling one another in for the embrace they’ve been waiting for since they day they first touched. She wants it more than anything else in the galaxy right now.

She barely registers it when Finn sits down next to her. He’s all smiles and tipsy excitement, and she knows she should match the energy of the rest of the room.

“Hey there. You’re giving off some really depressing vibes over here. Need a shoulder?” She is eternally grateful for Finn. Her best friend, one of the only people who is willing to understand, even though he might not understand it all. She leans into his shoulder and sighs, not finding it in her to shed tears. She reminds herself it’s a happy night. He rubs her shoulders knowingly and lets her sit like that for as long as she needs to.

When she picks her head up from his shoulder, the comfort of his touch lingers. Why couldn’t she be bonded with Finn? He was nearly everything she wanted, yet she found herself unstoppably wanting this absent presence that she wasn’t sure would ever return. “I’m gonna grab some more eggnog, Peanut, you want some?” He asks. She shakes her head with a smile, and he pecks her on the forehead before getting up. “Will you be alright?”

“Of course I will, Finn. Don’t you worry about me.” She gives him another half-hearted smile, and he nods in acknowledgement. As he walks away, she closes her eyes and rests her head against the icy window. She’s sure he feels slightly dejected, but she knows he understands. He’s got Poe, and she’s got….

_Rey?_

Her eyes snap open at the sound of that voice. His voice. This can’t be happening. She hears her heart beating in her ears rapidly, accompanied by the breathing of the soulmate she thought was gone.

_Ben?_

**Author's Note:**

> Is it just me that gets intensely lonely during the holiday season? Yeah. I’m coping by writing fic, lol. This is loosely based off of a real-life experience of mine, without the force bond and galactic warfare. I also have Christmas Eve jitters so I needed to write something to get them out of my system. Other than that thanks for reading and please leave some constructive criticism if you feel so inclined. Merry Christmas and happy holidays, Reylos!


End file.
